I keep thinking I’m causing my parents’ pain by choosing what I want.

Today. I'm in that place. The in-between place. I know I'm okay. And there's also a pain. Okay. I know I'm going to be okay. I know I'm allowed to be sad. I know. I feel well within myself enough to run mine myself again and again, that I'm going to be okay. And I can understand where that other person is coming from. I can understand why the words are coming out of the person's mouth. I can understand where their pain is, and I can also understand where my pain is. And the question to ask is what is the most loving thing I can do? Well, there's pain. 

What is the most loving thing I can do for that person? For me, for us, while knowing that I'm going to be okay, and that I am okay, it's that space between pain, the space of, I think I'm right. I want it to be different. That person has a hard time making it different. I may not get different. I may continue to get the same because of their pain, because of my pain. What is the most loving thing I can do in this moment? And can I just be here in the space between pain? You know what it feels like. It feels like stillness. And yet there's also a bubbling up a lump in the throat, a heaviness, and then suddenly a lifting of the heaviness and a lightness. 

And this will continue until it won't until the knowing that we all have guides us. And then we can make decisions and say words and take actions. But before we get there, there's a space. The other person is in pain. You're in pain. I can't take away the other person's pain and they can't take away mine. And there's also love there's pain and love and space go into the space. I tell myself, find out what it's like to be there. Find out what it's telling me and ask, what is the most loving thing I can do in this space? 

Maybe nothing, maybe just waiting, maybe just being, it doesn't have to become pressure to do something in that space. It can just be space and it can be really uncomfortable to be in space and being uncomfortable can be hard and it can feel like it's going on and on. But as humans, and as I'm human, I know that I can do hard things. There may be nothing harder than what I need to do right now, which is being in this space. That's uncomfortable because I know there's pain on both sides and I have ideas of what to do and say next, but before I do or say anything, can I just be here without doing anything and feel the space? Just wanting you to think about this in your life for a second. 

Are there others that are in pain? Can they have reasons that you don't agree with to be in their own pain? Can you have reasons that they don't agree with to be in your pain, their reasons, their pain, your reasons, and your pain, without saying, arguing, yelling, crying. Can we be in the space between this pain that we're all feeling before we do the next thing and wait for the inner knowing for the wisdom for the unconditional self-love to guide us before we do something or say something that's done from anger, sadness, resentment. What if it's done from compassion, love, unconditional love and wisdom that comes only after the space. 

I think that's possible. And I'm going to challenge myself to stay in this space and to be here until I feel wise and feel the unconditional love and feel the power between behind words, behind actions that I want to be in the feeling that I want to be in as I take actions and say words so that at the end, I can speak and do and not have regret after and know that I did it out of love. I said things out of love, out of inner knowing out of unconditional self-love out of wisdom that doesn't need to be learned, acquired, consumed from outside of me. Do you trust yourself enough to be, to wait? Thank you for being with me today. I hope you have a wonderful day.